Thomas B. Holman, PhD

Thomas B. Holman, PhD and Vjollca K. Märtenson[1]

Folk wisdom about the effects of parents on their children is expressed in such sayings we have in the English language as “The acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree,” or “a chip off the old block,” or “like father, like son.”  I assume most cultures have sayings that express this widely held idea that parents contribute in very important ways, to the kind of persons their children will become. 

However, this folk wisdom is not universally accepted.  On the one hand, if we accept the idea that children are tightly bound by the actions or inactions of their parents, children from dysfunctional families have little hope for a normal, happy life.  This seems to negate the idea of free will.  Even so, there are those who believe that an adult child can separate him/herself from the anxiety and dysfunction of the parental family only with great difficulty.  On the other hand, there are those who are suggesting that parents’ child-rearing efforts have almost nothing to do with the kind of persons their children become—that is determined by genes and the peer groups of the children.

The Doha Declaration, which will come out of the meeting this November in Doha, Qatar, says this:

WHEREAS:

The natural family based on the union of husband and wife is the fundamental group unit of society, and many modern social ills can be traced to its breakdown through, for example, marital instability, decreasing parental involvement with children, declining fertility and the absence of faith within the home;

Strong and stable families, more than governments, schools, or other entities, are best suited to raise and nurture their children;

Strong, stable marriages provide a safety net for all age groups and all societies; and

Fortifying the abilities of mothers and fathers to care for their children presents a unique opportunity to address societal problems in a holistic manner;

THEREFORE:

The Doha International Conference for the Family 2004, reaffirms the fundamental principles stated in International Treaties and United Nations Conference Documents:

Family

“The family is the natural and fundamental unit of society and is entitled to” “the widest possible protection and assistance.”

Marriage

“The right of men and women of marriageable age to marry and to found a family shall be recognized” “and husband and wife should be equal partners.”

Parents and Children

“The family has the primary responsibility for the nurturing and protection of children from infancy to adolescence.”  “For the full and harmonious development of their personality, children should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding.”

There are forces in all nations among all people, which are trying to destroy the type of marriage and families described here.  To counter these forces efforts must be made on several levels, and one of those levels is scientifically valid research.  One can, and should, use arguments from philosophy, theology, history, legal precedent, personal experience, clinical experience, etc.  But for many situations, empirical research is the “coin of the realm” and it is therefore important that we understand, know how to use, and continue to accumulate high quality empirical research on the topic of marriage and family life.

There is a large body of research showing that the most favorable setting for optimal child development is with two heterosexual happily married parents “in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love, and understanding.”  But this research often tends to only look at how children from such family environments do better on average in things like educational attainment, economic and career attainment, physical health, less alcohol and substance abuse, life expectancy, lower psychological distress, less mental illness, less likely to be abused, to become a juvenile delinquent and less likely to be involved in criminal behavior.  But we are less aware of the impact of parenting on the adult child’s ability to form high quality romantic relationships that eventuate in a high quality, stable marriages and families of their own.

This leads to some interesting questions we need to ask of the research:

1. Do children from functional families do better in their own marriages

2. If so, why?  How does that seem to work?

3. Can children from dysfunctional families recover?  Can they overcome the disadvantages of a poor home and family life and go on to form high quality marital relationship and rear children in an atmosphere of love, caring, and compassion, even if they did not see that kind of home and family environment as they grew up?

4. What can individuals, communities, religious bodies, nations, and the world community do to strengthen families in this generation and help those whose family life has already left them scarred, bruised, and feeling hopeless?

This afternoon I want to share with you briefly what the research shows us, specifically share some of the research I have been involved in producing, and make some broad recommendations that are consistent with that research.

Research On Family-Of-Origin Experiences’ Influence on Adult Children’s Marriages

Scholars have been doing research on the influence of family-of-origin factors on their adult children’s marriages since the 1930s in the United States.  By family-of-origin I mean the family in which a person grows up as a child.  A number of researchers and scholars have reviewed this research recently and all of them conclude that “the research supports the hypothesis that family-of-origin experiences persist into later life and influence later development.”   Four aspects of family-of-origin experiences were identified as impacting children’s later martial quality—family structure (in other words, was their a parental divorce), the family environment in which the child grew up, the quality of the parents’ own marriage, and the quality of the parent-child relationship in childhood and adolescent years.

Family Structure

Most of the research on the influence of family structure on adult children’s outcomes has investigated the relationship between parents’ divorce and adult children’s divorce.  That research shows conclusively that parents’ divorce is related to adult children’s proneness to divorce, and that this relationship, while reduced, is still present even when various controls are introduced.   The empirical evidence of a relationship between parent’s divorce and adult children’s marital quality is sparse.  However in an analysis of 37 studies of parental divorce and adult well-being, Amato and Keith conclude that parental divorce is related negatively to adult children’s marital quality.

Family Environment

Family environment includes the events, processes, people, interactions, and perceptions that were part of the family in which the child grew up.  Parts of the child’s social background, such as parents’ social class, education, occupational attainment and income, generally appear to have a small but often statistically significant relationship with adult children’s marital stability and quality.  More important was the general feeling, or emotional climate of the home.  In general, adults who believed that they grew up in a loving, safe, supportive home environment, as opposed to a conflict-ridden, unsafe, unpredictable environment tended to have higher quality marriages, even several years into the marriage.

Parents’ Marital Quality

Only a few studies have examined the relationship between the quality of the parents’ marriage and the quality of their adult children’s marriages.  For example, one study of psychiatric outpatients found that a history of parental marital discord  was related to marital complaints. 

Parent-Child Relationships

The aspect of family of origin that has received the most attention by researchers is the quality of the interpersonal relationship between the parents and the child during the child’s growing up years.  In general the research suggests that the more secure the relationship, the more loving the relationship, the more consistent the discipline, and the more warm and affectionate the relationship, the higher the quality of the child’s later marital relationship.

Other Predictors of Adult Children’s Marital Quality

Researchers have identified three other global premarital predictors of  later marital quality.  These are individual characteristics like personality, values, and attitudes;  social/contextual issues including support from family and friends and stress from things around the relationship like employment and the cultural milieu; and interactional processes and skills like communication, conflict management, consensus building, etc.  Previous research suggests that each of these are important predictors of later marital quality.  However, which of these four factors—family-of-origin, individual characteristics, social/contextual stressors, or interactional processes—is most important?  How important is each when taking the other three into account?  Furthermore, will some of them have more impact on later marital quality indirectly rather than directly?  These questions had never been addressed empirically, so my colleagues and I designed a longitudinal study to look that these questions.  What we found is that all four factors help us predict later marital quality in young, unmarried couples.  That is, if we had good information about each of those four factors before a couple got married, we could predict reasonably well whether couples who married would be happily married or not five years later.  But which were the best predictors?  Positive couple communication before marriage turned out to be the best single predictor of  marital quality five years later, even when controlling for the other factors.  But the quality of family-of-origin experiences proved to be the next best predictor.  Surprisingly, the woman’s family-of-origin experiences were almost as good a predictor of the men’s marital quality as the man’s own family-of-origin experiences.  But men’s family-of-origin experiences had no power to predict the wives marital quality.  Furthermore, family-of-origin factors—particularly the parent-child relationship quality also predicted the health of the personality, the amount of support from the social context, and the quality of the premarital positive communication.  Thus, taken together family-of-origin experiences and positive couple communication were the best direct and indirect predictors of marital quality five years into marriage.

Application to Other Cultures and Peoples

But do these results apply to other people and couples of other cultures and nations?  We believe so.  First, we have done this same research with smaller samples of Mexican-Americans, Navaho Indians, and Mexicans.  The results were essentially the same.  Second, the most popular theory for understanding parent-child and romantic partner relationships right now is what is called attachment theory.  This theory suggests that to be emotionally healthy human beings—whether infants, children, or adults—need to feel securely attached to another person or persons.  A great deal of research in a number of cultures and countries suggests that this basic premise of attachment theory is correct.  Third,  a recent report issued by a group of 33 children’s doctors, research scientists, and mental health and youth service professionals suggests that “science is increasingly demonstrating that the human person is hardwired to connect” and that “a great deal of evidence shows that we are hardwired for close attachments to other people, beginning with our mothers, fathers, and extended family, and then moving out to the broader community.”  The report suggests that “meeting the human child’s deep need for…connectedness…is essential to the child’s health and development.”  Specifically, I would add, that if our research is an indication of this hardwiring, then this connectedness with available and trust-worthy parents, and then a faithful, trustworthy romantic partner is essential to an individual’s success in marriage and parenting.

Coming to Terms with Dysfunction in the Family Of Origin

Our research and that of a number of different researchers suggests that intervening in the area of family-of-origin experiences; individual personality, emotional  health, and attitudes; social/contextual environment; and communication processes has the potential to improve couples’ chances for a happier, more loving, stable marriage.  Most grass-root attempts to intervene premaritally have focused on improving seriously dating or engaged couples’ communication skills.  Many fewer efforts have been made to reach young people earlier or to intervene seriously in the other three factors.  Indeed, because the family-of-origin experiences have “already happened” (things such as parental divorce, physical or sexual abuse, and parent- child verbal conflict), many believe it is too late to help there.  However, is it too late?  Can adult children with unhealthy family-of-origin experiences in his/her background hope for a high quality marital relationship?

To answer these questions, we conducted another study, this time looking at only young adults from moderately to highly dysfunctional families of origin.  Besides having them answer questions about their family background, we also asked questions about how well they were dealing with dysfunction in the family of origin, if they were at peace with any negative family-of-origin experiences, and if things from the family of origin influenced their ability to form high quality romantic relationships. 

We learned that those young adult males and females who had by some means “come to terms with” the dysfunction of the family of origin, indeed had higher quality romantic relationships than those who had not come to terms with the dysfunctional family-of-origin experiences.  These “come to term-ers” had higher relationship satisfaction, more stable relationships, and fewer relationship problems than those who were still struggling with family-of-origin experiences.  We also found that the individuals who say they have “come to terms” with negative family-of-origin experiences—as compared to those who have not come to terms with these family-of-origin experiences are more understanding listeners, are more loving toward their partner, are able to communication more clearly, are less critical, contemptuous, and defensive when having a conflict with their partner, and are less likely to become highly emotional during conflict. 

There is no published research on how some young people are able to cope with negative family-of-origin experiences when others have not—we are in the process of beginning that research—but there is research on how individuals cope with stress in general.  We believe this research can give us insight into how individuals deal with highly negative events from their family background and how we can intervene at the individual, couple, or policy level to strengthen these young adults’ marriages.

Research identifies several coping mechanisms that individuals use to deal with stress. According to Burr & Klein’s (1994) framework these coping mechanisms can be arranged into seven categories. These categories (and what is included in each of them) are:

1. cognitive: changing the relational meaning of the situation or the event (Burr & Klein, 1994; Lazarus, 1993), wishful thinking (Folkman & Lazarus, 1980; 1985), imagining releasing resentments and letting resentments go (Bloomfield & Felder, 1985), mentally working through unpleasant past experiences and creating mental models of healthier relationships (Hazan & Shaver 1987), and using humor (Phelps & Jarvis, 1994),

2. emotional: expressing feelings (Burr & Klein, 1994) and distancing (Folkman & Lazarus, 1985),

3. relationship: increasing adaptability, cooperation, and tolerance of others (Burr & Klein, 1994),

4. communication: being open and honest (Burr & Klein, 1994), problem-solving in an indirect manner without confronting anyone or challenging any situation (Drapeau, Samson, Saint-Jacques, 1999),

5. community: finding emotional resources outside the family (an aunt, friend, teacher) and creating wider emotional investments with them (Doyle, 2001; Drapeau et al., 1999; Patterson & McCubbin, 1987; Rutter, 1987),

6. spiritual: getting more involved in religious activities, seeking help from God (Burr & Klein, 1994), forgiving and letting go (Bloomfield & Felder, 1985; Veenstra, Jr., 1993), and

7. individual development: developing or expanding self-confidence, self-esteem, self-efficacy, and emotional competence by reflecting on the self (Saarni, 1999).

Summary

In summary, our research and that of other researchers concerning strengthening young adults marriages, shows

1. That family-of-origin experiences (in the past as well as in the present) have a continuing impact on the marital stability and marital quality of adult children as they form and attempt to maintain their own marriages.

2. Besides family background experiences, three other factors influence the quality and stability of new marriages—the individual characteristics of each member of the couple including their personalities and values, couple processes like communication and conflict management, and the social context in which the individuals and couple reside including stressors from near contexts such as extended family and friends and more distant contexts such as the ethnic or national culture in which they live.

3. Individuals who have come from a family background that included a lot of negative, hurtful experiences, can recover from—or come to terms with—these negative experiences and move forward to establish high quality, stable marriages and families.

Implications for Practice and Policy

What then are the practical and policy implications of this research?  Let me just mention a few since we could actually spend several hours talking about these issues.

1. Recognize that when we strengthen parents’ marriages, we may well be strengthening marriages for generations to come.  Parents’ marriages and relationships with their children not only influence the children while they are children, but also directly and indirectly influence those children’s ability to establish and maintain their own high quality, stable marriages and families.

2. Encourage research in other countries, cultures, and ethnic groups than with whites of European extraction who live in the U.S., Canada, Western Europe, and Australia.  We will be more persuasive if we demonstrate that these same processes are at work in other countries, cultures, and ethnic groups.

3. Recognize that to be most effective, we need to intervene at multiple levels including with the individual parental families, their young children or young adult children, with young as yet unmarried couples, with young newly married couples, within communities (such as in neighborhoods, schools, churches, local governments, etc.), and within cultures, sub-cultures, ethnic groups, national and international governments and forums.

There is simply too much at stake, to not become involved at whatever level you can.  Thank you.